Dreading it

So today I confessed to J that I had done a really stupid thing:  by not paying attention to what we were spending, I frittered away a bit of extra cash we had this month.  J relies on me to keep an eye on our bank account and handle the bills, and I blew it.  I told him this afternoon, and he was very sweet, as he always is.  So sweet, in fact, that I felt a little cheated.  I was expecting a stern response and swift punishment, but he didn't say anything about it other than 'We'll handle it'.

After I got home, we talked about it a little more, and I apologized.  'It's all right, baby', he said.  'We'll just have to get up earlier in the morning'.  What?!  'You know why,' he said...still calm, but with an implacable look in his eye.

(My teenage son lives with us, so we have to plan our discipline sessions carefully.  He sleeps like the dead on the opposite end of the house, so early in the morning should be pretty discreet.)

So now I'm waiting for what will probably be a pretty sound spanking.  The reality of physical punishment in DD is beginning to sink in; I DO NOT like spanking, it hurts.  (I know, duh).  It's just somehow becoming more real to me.  I think this is my first test; I know that I could call for a 'serious relationship discussion' and J and I would re-evaluate DD entirely, and I'd be out of spankings for good.  But a deeper part of me knows that I deserve it; I was careless and lazy and I deserve a real consequence.  And my carelessness affects J also; instead of a nice little bit of free money, he'll have to watch his spending even more carefully. 

I'm focusing on all the good things that DD has brought to us in just the short time we've been practicing it: the closeness, the feeling of security, the serene happiness I've felt.  I'm reminding myself that the short period of pain is well worth all that I gain from it...and hoping that J sticks to his hand and leaves the belt on his jeans.