As promised, I got my punishment spanking along with some corner time (no belt, thank heavens). While I was sitting there staring at the wall, I realized what's been bothering me: at some level, I've still felt that I was controlling this situation. After all, I was the one who brought up DD; surely the spankings were ultimately under my control? J would only spank until I asked him to stop, use the positions/implements that I allowed, etc. Last night I realized that if I'm truly living DD and not just playing at it, that means I've surrendered that control to J. Spankings are at his discretion, not mine; the time, place, duration, and severity are all up to him. He will push on past my 'no more!' screams, using his judgement as to when it's enough. That's part of what this surrender means, after all: me trusting him to use the power I've willingly surrendered for my and our ultimate good, not harm.
So after my spanking and corner time, J held me and snuggled me, and told me it was all right now. I told him about my 'revelation', and he reassured me that I was always free to express my opinion about a spanking, but that it was his judgement and his decision that would ultimately decide the matter.
And then the awesome sex.
It sounds like you have arrived at a place that it takes some years to get to. It is commendable.
ReplyDeleteI think its awesome that you want to surrender to you HOH. Mary Kate and I have a similar arrangement. She submits to my judgement on her discipline but we always have a "debriefing" talk a day or so later when we've both had time to think. She is free to share her feelings about how I handled the situation. I listen and learn and she has to forgive me for any mistakes I make in disciplining her. The process is not always fun but it helps her trust that I have her best interest in mind at all times.
ReplyDelete-Sean
Same log-on, different person :) (Mary-Kate here!)
ReplyDeleteI feel like I have very recently turned a corner with how I view his decision on punishments. I used to really voice my disagreement with/how he was choosing to discipline me, but then say I'd still submit. I don't do that anymore, just take it as it comes, and usually by the end of it all I agree that I earned everything I got anyway.