As expected, my initial zeal for DD has faded somewhat. Monday I received a serious spanking involving his hand, belt, and hairbrush. This brought a serious flood of tears, as the belt really takes it out of me. Sobbing on the bed, I thought (semi coherently) 'What am I doing? What good is this going to do?'
The cause of my spanking was a panic attack, of sorts, that I had over my job. I was recently promoted and am still sometimes plagued with doubts about whether or not I can handle it. And in typical non-confrontational style, when I worry about something, I avoid it. I was worried about my job...so I avoided it. I goofed off, surfed websites, did anything but face the things I needed to get done. This is a really bad habit of mine and crops up in so many areas.
My spanking that day was for doubting myself, and for letting that doubt control my life. I felt pretty sorry for myself during and after. I'm still processing...what kind of positive attitude chaneg do I expect from physical punishment? Then I realize, well, I'm still pretty tender 2 days later, and every shift in my desk chair reminds me of how awful that punishment felt, and pushes me to stay focused and get things done. And the tears are a release for me; I don't cry easily (over serious things, anyway; inspirational commercials get me every time!) so having an excuse to get started lets me release a lot of pent up pain and anxiety.
And I can't forget that J is so much happier and more confident now that he has reclaimed his position, and I'm happier and calmer not trying to boss the show. We're closer and more open with each other than ever before.
So another challenge met and mastered. I'm not at that giddy peak I was at a month ago, when we first talked about DD and how it would work in our lives. Real life and everyday concerns intrude; old habits reappear; new habits aren't firmly in place yet. But I still believe this is a good thing for us; I just have to be patient and let us grow into it together.
It sounds like J really took care of the business for you doubting yourself and being negligent. Kudos to J.
ReplyDeleteThere's a bit of doubt that is coming through in this post. I'm not sure your zeal should be faded after just a month. Maybe some zeal has worn off because the punishment was intense. Or perhaps you're finding that Dd is not what you expected (or what you expected is not really fun).
J sounds like he's pretty much on board now. But that does not preclude continued serious communication about the dynamics of your Dd relationship. It's okay to suggest a tweak here or there. You loving husband would certainly want to hear. You guys are still growing which means you're should still be doing lots and lots of talking about this, shaping, learning and molding a dynamic that is custom you your relationship and both of you individually.
I hope this works out to your giddy pleasure and J's continued happiness.
Hi B'Man...thanks for the words of the encouragement. I think you're exactly right, the reality is setting in over the fantasy and my world view is shifting (without a clutch, apparently!)
ReplyDeleteWhen I think about it, this is an ongoing issue for me in so many areas...I get excited about something, dive into it full steam, then get bored when the 'work' part sets in. My sewing room is crammed with projects that I started, then lost enthusiasm for. So I think that pushing through this valley is what I need to do to break that bad habit of starting and not finishing, and this is the perfect time to do it, because it is something so important to the both of us.
In the meantime, I'm a big fan of 'fake it til you make it': I'm going to focus on behaving as though I were submissive and accepting, even if I don't feel it, giving my emotions time to catch up with my behavior.