When you maintain something, you head off future problems by taking care of tiny things that aren't really even problems yet. You keep it in its best possible condition; nothing ever gets worn down or dirty or broken because you've maintained it. This week has left me feeling worn down, dirty and broken, and I need to be maintained and polished to get back into top condition.
I've always thought of myself as 'low maintenance' in the modern sense of the word; someone who adapts easily to change, who doesn't get upset when things don't go perfectly according to plan, who doesn't need much to keep her happy. Having houseguests for a week made me realize that I'm just deluding myself. It doesn't take much to throw me completely off. I planned to cook a turkey dinner one night and invite some of J's high school friends who now live in this city to share it with us and visit with his folks. I was happily planning all the goodies...and the day before, my inlaws announced cheerily 'We got some steaks and ribs...we'll grill them tomorrow night and you won't have to do anything!' This was Not My Plan. But they were thrilled to be 'helping' so I put on my happy face and we grilled.
A silly thing, not worth getting upset over. A week of silly things and I was a wreck. I try very hard not to complain to J; they're his parents, and they are truly kind people. They accepted me and my son with open arms when J and I started dating, and they've been so good to us ever since. It's petty of me to look at their kindness as an imposition. I know all of this and still...I'm in turmoil. I tend to overthink and to let my mind run in circles, going over and over conversations and events, replaying and rewriting them endlessly, brooding and picking at things for hours until I'm sunk deep in misery.
This is why I need maintenance. For a few days now, I've been longing to lie on our bed over the pillows, to feel J's hand on the small of my back pressing me down, and feel his hand - or the belt - or the hairbrush - driving the demons from my mind and refocusing me. I know that while it's going on I'll be thinking, again, why I ever brought this up and why I thought it was a good idea. I also know that when it's over, I'll feel refreshed, my mind set free from the cycle of worry and unhappiness that has taken up so much of my energy the past week.
I know what you are going through!!!!! My inlaws come once or twice a year for a couple months at a time, and although they stay with my sister-in-law down the street, it still is tough and puts a wrench in "activities" especially when they are always over! But then I remember how blessed I am to have them in my life, and I try not to complain...but it's hard.
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