I Want You to be in Charge, But...

As J and I began exploring DD, I read a lot of blogs and websites, and still do.  Two things jump out at me:

1.  It is overwhelmingly women who ask for DD; they want their men to be in authority over them
2.  These same women have very strong opinions on exactly *how* they want this to happen

I have to laugh at myself and my submissive sisters.  I desperately crave J to be a strong, dominant leader in our home.  I'm willing to try any expressions of his leadership and my submission that he wants to experiment with, with the understanding that we're both learning what works for us.  I read many blogs where women say, "I love the changes I see in my HoH; I wish I could make him understand that I'd love it if he were even more in control."  But we're missing a very important factor in DD: to be truly submissive and respectful of our man's authority, we have to accept and respect the way in which he implements it.  We don't get to choose how much/how little he controls us, or the ways in which he exercises that control.   We provide our feedback, but ultimately the decision is his, and if we truly believe in practicing DD, we accept his decision willingly.

Sooooo...we want our men to be strong, dominant leaders...but we want to tell them how to do it!

J is by nature a much more laid back person than I am.  He's the youngest child in a family of big personalities, so he learned to just go with the flow.  When we met, I had been a single parent for 5 years, and had been the only real 'adult' in my 14 year marriage prior to that - so I had a lot of experience running the show.  His normal easygoing ways became even more so in the face of my take-charge attitude.  Eventually we both became near classic examples of the shrewish, domineering wife and the timid husband, and we hated it.  We've been implementing DD for almost 2  months now and are both so much happier.  But my natural bossy nature can't help thinking 'He should read this article...follow this routine...do this...don't do that...'  Part of my struggle with submission is accepting J's interpretation of his role and focusing on my behavior and attitude, not his.

The other thing I have to remember is that I'm asking a lot of him.  Those of you who are parents know the emotional energy it takes to be responsible for another person, to guide and develop their thoughts and behavior and to determine when punishment is warranted.  Yes, I have sacrifices to make also: instead of staying in bed on my days off, I get up to fix his lunch and lay out his clothes.  I remember to ask his opinion on things that I would normally decide on my own.  And my behind is still bruised after a good long maintenance session last weekend.  But these things are pretty minor, all things that I should be doing anyway as a loving wife and partner.  As for my sore behind, well, I gain so much from my spankings that the soreness doesn't mean anything.

Low Maintenance? Who am I Kidding?

We've had my in laws in town for the past week; they've been staying in our room because the alternative is a really uncomfortable pullout couch in the sewing room.  So no privacy at all for J and I.  And I realize that I really, really need my maintenance.  I know not everyone likes that word but it seems to express my feelings well.  

When you maintain something, you head off future problems by taking care of tiny things that aren't really even problems yet.  You keep it in its best possible condition; nothing ever gets worn down or dirty or broken because you've maintained it.  This week has left me feeling worn down, dirty and broken, and I need to be maintained and polished to get back into top condition.

I've always thought of myself as 'low maintenance' in the modern sense of the word; someone who adapts easily to change, who doesn't get upset when things don't go perfectly according to plan, who doesn't need much to keep her happy.  Having houseguests for a week made me realize that I'm just deluding myself.  It doesn't take much to throw me completely off.  I planned to cook a turkey dinner one night and invite some of J's high school friends who now live in this city to share it with us and visit with his folks.  I was happily planning all the goodies...and the day before, my inlaws announced cheerily 'We got some steaks and ribs...we'll grill them tomorrow night and you won't have to do anything!'  This was Not My Plan.  But they were thrilled to be 'helping' so I put on my happy face and we grilled. 

A silly thing, not worth getting upset over.  A week of silly things and I was a wreck.  I try very hard not to complain to J; they're his parents, and they are truly kind people.  They accepted me and my son with open arms when J and I started dating, and they've been so good to us ever since.  It's petty of me to look at their kindness as an imposition.  I know all of this and still...I'm in turmoil.  I tend to overthink and to let my mind run in circles, going over and over conversations and events, replaying and rewriting them endlessly, brooding and picking at things for hours until I'm sunk deep in misery.

This is why I need maintenance.  For a few days now, I've been longing to lie on our bed over the pillows, to feel J's hand on the small of my back pressing me down, and feel his hand - or the belt - or the hairbrush - driving the demons from my mind and refocusing me.  I know that while it's going on I'll be thinking, again, why I ever brought this up and why I thought it was a good idea.  I also know that when it's over, I'll feel refreshed, my mind set free from the cycle of worry and unhappiness that has taken up so much of my energy the past week.

The honeymoon's over

As expected, my initial zeal for DD has faded somewhat.  Monday I received a serious spanking involving his hand, belt, and hairbrush.  This brought a serious flood of tears, as the belt really takes it out of me.  Sobbing on the bed, I thought (semi coherently) 'What am I doing?  What good is this going to do?'

The cause of my spanking was a panic attack, of sorts, that I had over my job.  I was recently promoted and am still sometimes plagued with doubts about whether or not I can handle it.  And in typical non-confrontational style, when I worry about something, I avoid it.  I was worried about my job...so I avoided it.  I goofed off, surfed websites, did anything but face the things I needed to get done.  This is a really bad habit of mine and crops up in so many areas.

My spanking that day was for doubting myself, and for letting that doubt control my life.  I felt pretty sorry for myself during and after.  I'm still processing...what kind of positive attitude chaneg do I expect from physical punishment?  Then I realize, well, I'm still pretty tender 2 days later, and every shift in my desk chair reminds me of how awful that punishment felt, and pushes me to stay focused and get things done.  And the tears are a release for me; I don't cry easily (over serious things, anyway; inspirational commercials get me every time!) so having an excuse to get started lets me release a lot of pent up pain and anxiety.

And I can't forget that J is so much happier and more confident now that he has reclaimed his position, and I'm happier and calmer not trying to boss the show.  We're closer and more open with each other than ever before.

So another challenge met and mastered.  I'm not at that giddy peak I was at a month ago, when we first talked about DD and how it would work in our lives.  Real life and everyday concerns intrude; old habits reappear; new habits aren't firmly in place yet.  But I still believe this is a good thing for us; I just have to be patient and let us grow into it together.

Now I Get It

As promised, I got my punishment spanking along with some corner time (no belt, thank heavens).  While I was sitting there staring at the wall, I realized what's been bothering me:  at some level, I've still felt that I was controlling this situation.  After all, I was the one who brought up DD; surely the spankings were ultimately under my control?  J would only spank until I asked him to stop, use the positions/implements that I allowed, etc.  Last night I realized that if I'm truly living DD and not just playing at it, that means I've surrendered that control to J.  Spankings are at his discretion, not mine; the time, place, duration, and severity are all up to him.  He will push on past my 'no more!' screams, using his judgement as to when it's enough.  That's part of what this surrender means, after all: me trusting him to use the power I've willingly surrendered for my and our ultimate good, not harm.

So after my spanking and corner time, J held me and snuggled me, and told me it was all right now.  I told him about my 'revelation', and he reassured me that I was always free to express my opinion about a spanking, but that it was his judgement and his decision that would ultimately decide the matter.

And then the awesome sex.